October 22, 2010

Well, I don't know if I should title this blog "Meltdown #2"  or "The Explosion".

As you can probably guess - I haven't done well this last little while.  I probably would've blogged more except I had been feeling pretty negative.  It all came to an "explosion" on Sunday.  I figure I can share this because only a few people read this anyways.  I think I have been in a state of depression - well, I know I have been.  First sign of depression, for me, is lack of feeling, which I was definitely having.  I started noticing that I didn't really care about much - except for wanting to go home.  With sickness, lack of extended family, lack of friends, lack of being able to communicate, no permanent home, no cell phones, not much contact with people from home, feeling of insecurity, same problems we've always had, no fulfillment from church (due to the language & no callings) etc etc etc.  I guess I just let negativity build in my head until I couldn't stand it anymore.  Anyways, I feel much better and functionable (is that a word) now.  I really was ready to go home - as was stated very clearly over the weekend.  So, one word of advice - if you're feeling "non-feeling" try to take care of it early enough so it doesn't build to a point where you don't recognize yourself anymore.

Anyways - sorry so much info - but, this is kinda my journal to.

So - updates:

1.  WE GOT CELLPHONES!!!  I know that doesn't seem to be a big thing to you, probably.  But, for me - HUGE!!  It is really hard to be in a place where you really can't communicate with too many people - and be left alone.  Or leave your kids unattended.  We left them a couple of times and all I could think about was - what if they got hurt, what if they caught the house on fire, what if they locked themselves out of the house (Devan did that once and sat out in the dark/cold for about an hour), what if someone showed up at our house, what if they killed eachother.  I know my generation didn't have cell phones growing up (I don't know how our parents did it), but when you're used to be able to contact your kids and they're used to being able to contact you, it is hard to get away from that - especially when you are in a foreign land and you know it would be hard for your kids to get help.  I know I worry too much, but it's hard to change a feeling.

2.  Now that we have cellphones, Rick and I left the kids for a WHOLE day and went into Coimbra (big city) and had lunch with a friend (who speaks English - Sandra, the lady who got me into the doctor), and then went house hunting.  I think the more we look, the more confused/frustrated we get.  The day was good, even if it wasn't that productive (house hunting).  Funny thing, though - we get home and the kids were in a huge fight over the cellphone.  Well, at least I feel safer...

3.  We've spent some time down at the beach, the communtiy pool, bike riding, fishing (Devan bought a fishing pole and really likes riding down to the lake and beach hanging out by himself).  The weeks been a mixture of crazyiness and relaxation. 

4.  Kaylie and I went grocery shopping.  I know this makes me sound like such a wimp, but having a cell phone really makes me feel more secure.  This shopping trip was the first (or maybe second) step to independence.  I didn't have a fear of getting lost, because I knew I could call Rick and have him give me directions.  And, I knew I could call him if I had trouble in the store figuring out stuff or paying.  Kaylie and I took A LONG TIME.  We were there for almost 3 hours to buy about $150 worth of groceries.  It takes me about 45 minutes to spend that much at Walmart back home.  I was a little bummed that Rick never called to check on us - we are at different ends of the spectrum when it comes to worrying.  So, Kaylie made up this whole story about us knocking over a shelf in the store with our cart and no one would help us because they couldn't understand us, so we spent all this time cleaning it up...  it was funny - Rick totally fell for it.  Kaylie's a great liar - kinda scary!!

5.  Last night the power went out right after sunset.  We really weren't prepared for that.  One little flashlight,  one headlight from Devan's bike, the glow from our computers, and my watch.  Rick tried resetting the breaker box several times, but it made the house lights flicker a couple of times and then went completely dead.  So, it was an early night for bed. Needless to say I've been awake since about 5:30am.  I finally just got up to write this while the house is quiet. 

6.  Final update - our health.  We are all still in the process of getting over our sicknesses.  Tanner still has a cough and blows his nose constantly, Rick and Kaylie have had a stomach thing on and off (yesterday it was on again), I still have a slight cough and sinus infection, and Devan is still the only 100 percent healthy one - woohoo for Devan.  At least we've helped the economy in Portugal - no chance of the pharmacies going out of business.

Well, thanks for listening.  Please make comments, it helps me feel connected to you.  At least I know you're still alive if you make a comment.  I would probably e-mail more if I had a better internet connection, but for now this blog will have to do.

Love you and miss you (and my emergency preparedness kit)

Denise